Cover
About the Book
About the Author
Title Page
Dedication
Commuter Comrades!
Spotter’s guide: The Obstacle
Commuter’s lexicon: Comfort paradox (n.)
Missing word round
The rail commuter’s serenity prayer no.1
The politics of commuting
The commuter’s playlist
Complaint template no.1
Please be seated: 10 dubious ways to get a seat
Spotter’s guide: The Gourmand
Commuter keep fit
If …
Complaint template no.2
Where’s my train?
Room for one more?
Irked or incandescent?
Commuter’s lexicon: The pantomime dame (n.)
What they say and what they mean no.1
Spotter’s guide: The Party Animal
Depressing commuter fact no.1
Late again?
How much?
Commuting survival tips
Commuter’s lexicon: Non-stop roulette (n.)
Anger management
Five things you wish you didn’t know about the London Underground
The rail commuter’s Serenity Prayer no.2
Spotter’s guide: Mr Petri Dish
Super-commuters
What they say and what they mean no.2
Strike!
Spotter’s guide: Johnny Suitcase
Depressing commuter fact no.2
The Tao of commuting
Working from home
The cyclist’s highway code
Underground codes
Commuter’s lexicon: Seat remorse (n.)
Guerilla commuting
Always take the weather
Spotter’s guide: The Statue
Complaint template no.3
Cycling to work
Be mindful of the gap
Spotter’s guide: The Bagbuddy
Commuter’s lexicon: The tactical hangback (n.)
How annoying are you?
And now for the traffic and travel … from history
Copyright
For Katharine, who loves staying home
It is time for us to revolt! Or, if not revolt, to write a very strongly worded email to the chief executives of the railways. We must take to the streets and demonstrate! (Although we will have to start after the morning rush to let the traffic die down a bit.)
For too long we have been treated as second-class citizens, even though we have seen there are empty seats in first class. We have waited patiently at the bus stop, only to be pushed aside by school kids who don’t queue and get in through the back doors, which we all know are for getting off only. We have stood on the tube platforms when train after train passes with no room for us to board.
It is time for us to fight back. Hear us tut and tremble, Southern Rail, for we are disgruntled. If you are in charge – beware! We are coming for you. (Even if it is on a rail replacement bus service. We will remember to add extra time for our journey.) We are not going to stand for this any longer; we’ve stood for long enough, all the way from Birmingham to Euston.
Our good manners and horror of confrontation have kept us, and before us, our fathers, and their fathers before them, quiet for too long. But now we’ve had one backpack swung in our faces on a crowded train too many. Our demands are simple. Roads that flow freely, with all white vans and parents on the morning school run banned. No cancelled trains, and a full public naming and shaming for the drivers of late running trains. Buses that don’t travel in packs of three.
This book is a call to arms and a beacon of solidarity amongst commuters. Whenever you see a fellow traveller with a copy, give them the secret sign of the commuter: ignore them completely, even though your lips are closer to theirs than they usually are to those of your beloved. But inside you both will know that you are part of a silent army.
We are legion. We are commuters. We are coming. But we will probably be at least half an hour late.
Related to the genus phonus idioticus, with the ability to completely ignore all outside stimuli apart from whatever is on its phone screen, The Obstacle is known for stopping abruptly wherever is most inconvenient for its fellow commuters. It can often be found at the entrance and exit of platforms, and, most confusingly, stock-still at the bottom of escalators, where it is able to cause mass pile-ups with its unpredictable behaviour.
The comfort paradox