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Epub ISBN: 9781409099277
Version 1.0
Published by Hutchinson 2016
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Copyright © Sebastian Faulks 2016
Illustrations © Giorgos Papadakis 2016
Sebastian Faulks has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
First published in Great Britain in 2016 by Hutchinson
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London, SW1V 2SA
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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN 9780091931070
In the shadow of the pillars, hard by Paternoster Square –
It was hardly Wren’s intention to have vagrants camping there.
Whisp’ring dome and candled choir stall, chancel fabric starts to crack;
Where the deacon dons his surplice there’s a tent from A. C. Black.
Driven out, the poor old deacon; Dean has followed him in pique
All because a bearded camper garbed investments like a freak
Asks the question, ‘Who’ll inherit?’ Clearly it is not the meek.
But . . . bend your ear to Beardie’s message, guaranteed to make you cross.
Banks are free to keep their winnings, you and I must bear their loss.
Shut the schools and fire the nurses, let the library close its door:
Bankers want three million bonus or they’ll take their trade off shore.
Double dip in distant haven, is this how the law was bent:
Barclays on ten billion profit paying tax at one per cent?
Ghosts of Hawksmoor, Wren and Morris, Arts and Crafts, St Pancras high,
Come together in the forecourt, let the heavens hear you cry.
Say to Goldman, Morgan Stanley, Merrill, Lloyds and RBS:
Take your bonus, tax avoidance, greed and filth and fiscal mess;
Take your blackmail, coke and Porsches, let the Bishop help you pack;
Hail a cab for City Airport; go to Frankfurt, don’t come back.
Lowood Manor (formerly Lowood School House)
‘We loved it here. Mr Brocklehurst, the owner, believes that less is more and is as good as his word! Small helpings at dinner and a bracing wooden plank at bed time did me the world of good. I made friends with a sweet little maid called Jane. Sad to discover on a return visit that Mr B had to leave following outbreak of typhus and a few deaths. Health and safety gone mad!’
Miss Helen Burns
Thornfield Manor
‘Mr Rochester, the manager, promised me the Candlelit Dinner Option, but then seemed to have eyes only for the young governess. Very disappointing when it distinctly said NO PETS.’
Miss Blanche Ingram
‘I came here from my home in Belgium for a weekend of prayer and self-flagellation. What a ménage! The landlord has a mistress, two fiancées and a French child of uncertain parentage. Grace, the chambermaid, smells of sherry. Demure Miss Eyre, the governess, was more to my taste, thought the fire precautions are a scandal. The best room – in the attic – was said to be closed for refurbishment, though I distinctly heard someone moaning in it.’
Paul Emmanuel, Brussels
Wuthering Heights
A long-term Guide favourite, though recently some guests have complained of creaky windows and disembodied voices. Others still find the ‘honesty bar’ a considerable draw.
‘Landlord Hindley (no relation to Moors Myra) certainly enjoys a glass! The young stable lad is a moody fellow and the housekeeper Mrs Dean a bit of a chatterbox. Avoid the room with the graffiti and the broken window pane. Since my narrative-framing duties necessitated only a short stay, I hesitate to go into detail, but I would say this: WH is not for the faint-hearted!’
Mr Lockwood
‘Our slumbers were interrupted by a man with a shovel, covered from head to foot in earth. He said he had been digging up the daughter of the house, Catherine by name, for ‘one last go-round’. What can you say? My husband and I find the comforts of our own dear Cranford far superior and we shall not be returning.’
Mrs E. Gaskell
‘Wow, wow, wow! I’ve come ho-o-o-o-o-me!’
Miss K. B., Bexleyheath, London
Haworth Parsonage B & B
‘A charming taste of times gone by,’ writes Anon. ‘High tea at six, hymns round the harmonium at seven and lights out at eight. We loved the ‘eat-all-you-can porridge buffet’ at breakfast and the three silent waitresses who watched us from the corner of the scullery. Rooms a little on the chilly side.’
Male guests not welcome.
Wildfell Hall
A new entry in the Guide this year. ‘Wildfell is tragically overlooked by most weekenders. Landlord Arthur Huntingdon is a bit of a ‘loose cannon’, to be sure, but his bar is ever open. Why not give it a go?’
Anne B